Selah

You know the plans You have for me
You will complete Your work in me
My name's engraved upon Your heart

- "My Abba" , Karen Lim

I feel I have grown again through the experience... I really thank God that He always takes things meant to stumble us and to turn it around into a huge blessing - not just for us, but for those we can encourage because we can truly empathize.

Before I miscarriaged, another friend of mine miscarried a few days earlier. We got to know each other online. And at first she was bottling all her hurts and guilt inside. Her sms to tell me she had miscarried was short and I could feel her pain. When I miscarriaged and shared with her, she was able to open up to me with nothing to hold her back because we were both in the same boat.

She is a Roman Catholic but a "baby" one. We have one common denominator- our Redeemer.

So I was able to grieve together with her and share together with her. And the other day she msged to tell me that she really felt like she's healed from the experience and that she has also grown deeper in His Word through all the sharings we've had together on sms and emails.

And that to me, was really a "HAHA! TAKE THAT, ENEMY!" moment. We didn't give in to the defeat and the emotions that threatened to drown us out, but kept resting on the Solid Rock of Christ.

It is beautiful on hindsight... so awesome in fact... how Abba Daddy God, through the sea of pain, led me to someone else also in that sea and who needed to be kept buoyant by His Word. I was able to share my life jacket, my floating device... and there were 2 victories to shout His fame. =)

Post Gynae thoughts

We went to the gynae for the follow up to the d&c process. He said I am healing well and that tests done show that I have a healthy womb without any abnormalies. He has suggested that we can try for another child in 2 months time- much faster than we expected. Most people recommended to me a 5-6mths wait. As my gynae is the HEAD OF REPRODUCTIVE MEDICINE in Singapore's top women and child facility, I am sure I can take his two months recommendation seriously... That, and the absolute truth that I am in Christ and He has quickened my health and my reproductive abilities. I have life and life more abundantly. Amen!
We are excited and very joyful in the LORD for watching over us every step of the way- down to the most meticulous details.

Going to discipline how I eat and exercise. Gotta start packing the house too. :)



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Even the clouds are there for a purpose

I love feeling the breeze on my face. Even the faintest whisper of one calls out His name. =)

This morning hubby and I were walking back from breakfast when we noticed the sky was a cloudless azure canvas and it was beautiful.

By noon, the clouds started rolling lazily in but they've helped to shade us from the white hot heat of midday.

Sometimes in life, the clouds that we feel block the sunlight and the sky from our sights serve a purpose. But it takes hindsight to appreciate them.

Sometimes people wonder "Why not this?" OR "Why not now?". It seems for that moment as if God is not allowing what we hope for to happen- and our skies fill up with clouds. However when you take a deep breath and look back, you might just see how sometimes the LORD doesn't allow certain things to happen, not to tease you or make life difficult for you, but it is because that cloudless sky you wanted might be the bringer of a drought or a heatstroke. The clouds are there for a purpose. They are not there to block your view, they are there to shelter you from the heat.

Everything and everyone has a season. The tides have their ebb and flow. The sun rises and sets. The flowers bloom, wilt, become pods and bring new life. If we will just quiet our hearts, we too will come to understand what our season is and to learn to rejoice with each step the amazing journey we have ahead of us. I choose to grow. You? =)

I simply cannot cry anymore.... =)

I was just sitting at the dining table looking at the "Guardian one step Pregnancy Test" from a few months ago and I realised I couldn't cry anymore.

It isn't because I no longer miss the baby or because my tear ducts are faulty. I think it is because I no longer see reason to cry.

Lest you think me an unfeeling Vulcan (ie Spock's race in Star Trek), it is simply because I have come to see that this baby has come to only know Sozo LIFE - the life we are all journeying towards. Baby just got there faster. (Somewhat like how Kae got his own Cannes page faster than his parents... lol.)

And when you realise that baby will never know sickness, pain, sadness, loneliness, etc etc (the whole gamut of the fallen earth problems), but will know what true joy, true love and what it really means to live- it changes the way we view the situation.

I guess as humans we have expectations and we had longed for this child to journey alongside us, but God had infinitely better plans for the baby. And He will send us another journey mate of a child to love and guide in His perfect time. Kae, Ian and I await with joyful hearts, lungful of praises for that day.

We are believing for an April or May 2011 baby. Believe with us if you read this and say in agreement a hearty- AMEN! =D

Gynae Appointment tomorrow

Tomorrow is the gynae appointment. Can't help but wonder what the doc will be looking out for and what will he advice/say.

I dun feel that sadness as much as I do feel His victory in my life now. I know the devil hopes to rob me and make me fall back into depression. I am not giving him the pleasure of the latter.

Th days have been filled with quiet time- healing and resting in His Word, as well as meeting up with friends, spending time with our 8 year old and just spending time with my hubby in the evenings/ nights and weekends.

Ian will be away from Friday onwards as will my parents. He is going to NAB in Las Vegas whilst my parents will be away in Taiwan for a holiday.

As for me, I have our little man to potter around with. He is such a sweetheart, professing that he will take care of mummy whilst daddy is away and he even volunteered to help cook rice. :D

Sometimes the best way not to meditate on any ill that has befallen is is to turn our eyes to Jesus and also to rememeber ALL His other blessings in our lives.

Seasons

I recall how my chemistry teacher used to tell us how she loved to smell her son's shirts whenever he wasn't in town. And we all laughed and some called her a psycho.

But I guess now I am in the season to understand this love...

This maternal love that enjoys watching her little one sleep, enjoys folding his clothes and marveling at how much he has grown over the years.

This maternal love is also in the season of understanding how mothers can love deeply even the children they have lost from the start, and coming to empathise with the hope in the LORD that all these women stand upon.

I feel like I have come to understand so many things through this one loss, that I believe will not happen ever again to us... I know that the LORD has taken this sorrow and turned it around into rejoicing and to bless our walk as a married couple, as a family.

I can see how K appreciates us even more after this loss... perhaps from grieving along with us in his little 8 yr old way that was full of hope in Jesus, as opposed to despair.

Selah.

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I understand this much better now...

Philippians 4:7 (MSG)- "Before you know it, a sense of GOD'S WHOLENESS, EVERYTHING COMING TOGETHER FOR GOOD, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when CHRIST DISPLACES WORRY at the center of your life."


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A testimony from a Hillsong Worship Leader who suffered loss of a child

"But I know that my circumstance and this season doesn't change that God is still God. That it doesn't change what He has called me to be here and has called me to do. And He still sits on the throne and He still rules and He is still bigger than anything I am facing."

"Her standing there and glorifying God in the midst of her loss and tragedy meant that the Devil lost kind of what he was trying to achieve."

"When I am in the fire, and when I am being refined, and when I am in a battle, and when the triumph isn't here but it's coming... I think that you look at God and you say I know this is Who You are and He does get bigger in your life and it takes over the things in you that feels so shattered and it makes Him the focus and it begins to put those things together."


Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

Monday thoughts on a rainy afternoon

It has been 5 days since we found out Baby's in Heaven. It has been 3 days since the doctor washed my womb. But not a minute has passed that i rejoice that baby is with Abba Daddy God and save in Jesus's arms. Not a minute has passed by that I have not missed the little one.

Although we didn't get to hold him or her in our arms, baby was still a blessing. Our little one has only grown our family of 3 closer and taught us to stand firmly on His Word of truth in Jer 29:11 over us. I may not understand everything that has transpired, but I know one thing- Daddy God loves us so very much and Jesus will only give us the best.

On Sunday, reading the lyrics of "Glory Baby" moved me so much and I cried. I really cried from the depths of my heart. And in my tears, I saw the reflection of my hubby's sadness too. But we know from our sadness will come great rejoicing because the LORD will not fail us. He is good all the time and faithful to His promises.

So we await our promised baby (or 2 or 3 or 4!!) whom we will cuddle, sing to bed and tell about the love of Jesus.

He is faithful to bless my womb and make it fruitful. Amen.

Watermark - glory baby

(Thanks Shaun for sharing this...)

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

======

A day or two before the gynae appointment, I had a dream where I got to hear our baby's heartbeat but it didn't sound like the throbbing heartbeat of a baby... it sounded like beautiful chimes playing. It was such a peaceful tinkling of notes. I wonder if it was the Holy Spirit's way of telling me about our baby.

I will rest in knowing heaven in baby's home. - How true. =)

Comfort from Oz

I spoke to Yuning who called from Australia last night and am feeling less nervous about my D&C procedure in an hour or so. She explained what will take place and also reassured me about our gynae. It was good to hear her voice again. It's been so long. Really miss her.

Coming to terms

Baby didn't make it.

We went for the scan yesterday with K and the baby didn't grow. Neither did it have a heartbeat. It was hard news to hear and it was harder to explain to K but he was really sweet about it. He held my hands and hugged me when I cried. Ian took the news calmly and is being optimistic for the both of us. I have been a puddle of tears although it is well within my soul.

I do miss the baby already. When it is quiet, I miss baby most. It is hard not to cry. My tear ducts are overflowing... But I rest assured that what the devil robs us of, GOD will restore many folds.

Seeing the outpouring of love and concern moves me, but replying them takes strength and I am glad I can find it in Him.

It will be a little while more before we can give K a sibling. But we know we will- & always in His perfect time.

Tomorrow I will be going for womb washing and a part of me hopes for the impossible- a miracle of life. A Lazarus situation.

I rest in Him for now.

033 Kor Kor bear prays

Kae's prayer over his sibling this night- "I pray that baby will be intelligent, wise, healthy and strong. That baby will be courageous and full of kindness. That baby will be filled with the love of God and understand His love too. This we pray in Jesus's name. Amen!"


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032 Redeemed means redeemed

Christ was hung on a tree and made accursed in our place so that today we are redeemed of every single curse laid upon us because we live in a fallen world.

When Jesus cried out. IT IA FINISHED, there is left a choice for us to make- to believe that His Word is the truth, that He has indeed finished off all weapon that tries to come against us past, present and future... OR we can believe otherwise and agree with the world that we haven't been redeemed yet.

I was reading Deut28 again and seeing all the blessings He has won for me and all the curses He has borne for me so that today I am truly redeemed. I couldn't help but feel so blessed to be able to stand on His Promises for me because I am the righteousness of Christ and heir o the blessings of Abraham.

I am the redeemed, and redeemed I remain. Amen!

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031 One more day to the next Gynae Appointment =D

Well, we are about 25 hrs away from the next Gynae appointment, baby, and boy am I excited! =D

Guess who are tagging along with us? Only your grandpa, Daddy and Korkor hahaha! 3 Generations of men.

I am currently contemplating the names:

Sophia Giana/Chanya Wee En Xi (Wisdom and Grace, Grace and Joy... trying to decide between the middle names.)

OR

Jozef Noah Wee Zhong Shun (Rest and Increase, Loyalty and Success)

(Reminding self that Kae needs to get his BC name fixed in time to come because his hanyu pinyin is wrong and the SG govt not flexi enough to let me add the "h" in to rectify it. Must get title deed and go through lawyer again wan lor. Sianz.)

Anyway, we are all very excited to see tomorrow's scan and to know the EDD. =))

030 Wigglesworth- such life in his writing!

I have been trying to read more edifying articles and writing these days. After the initial spotting scare, I have seen how dangerous it gets filling ur mind with the words of this world.

It was very apt that the Sunday after my Friday spotting, Padtor Prince spoke about meditating on the Word of God. Sometimes, it's not that we dunno what is needful for us to do, but that we need a nudge and a reminder in the right direction.

So I picked up my fav Wigglesworth book ("Smith Wigglesworth- The Complete Collection of his Life Teachings") to read; his testimony, childlike faith, as well as the hope in his writing really encourages one and directs one's gaze back to the victory of Jesus's finished work on the Cross.

"Oh, when God begins to move, everything is soon in order."

"Jesus says, 'In Me there shall be peace,' and there is no peace where there is disease, so if you get His peace, you will be free from disease! 'In the world-- tribulation; but in Me, peace!' "

How wonderful is the promise of SHALOM wholeness, health, peace, prosperity we have on Christ!! We already have it and walk out this shalom in every area of our lives! Baby & I have His Shalom wholeness and are "as strong as a wild ox & anointed with the finest oil." (Ps 92:10) It is written and so it is with us! ;D

AMEN!! :))



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029 Halia Halia

I love a good Teh Halia (Ginger Milk Tea) but am trying to avoid caffeine for now. So at breakfast today, I had Milo Halia.

Milo is a chocolate beverage and they added the Ginger powder in the drink. Loved it lots.

I also had Hot Fudge Sundae from Mak dong dong (Mcdonalds in Hongkie speak) which made me uber happy. :) Coupled with Chili shaker fries- I'm a happy mummy. ;D

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028 Burn the Bras

No. I am not a Feminist with a bonfire ready to set bras ablaze. It's just that my breasts have been super sore. I wore a bandeau bra today which had no underwire but it didn't help at all. T.T

The feeling reminds me of the engorgement experience from the ol' breastfeeding Kae days when he was a baby. ^.^""

Was looking at the Marks n Spencers maternity brassieres earlier- beautiful, well-supportive and well-cut. But of coz... $$$. :p The China ones are cheaper but their design/cutting left my boobs looking bumpy lumpy.

Haha. Aiya. Anyway only the hubby is supposed to admire my bosom. Lol. Doubt he minds lor. Hahaha. :D

So if u are reading this n wondering what I would like for 19th April ( aka me bday)... Maternity bra pack (2 per pack) from M&S would be nice... Or juz M&S vouchers. Lol. ^.^!

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027 Bloaty

It is said that cows contribute one of the most amounts of Methane to the atmosphere, encouraging global warming. Well, at the rate I've been experiencing gas, I might be turning into an honorary member of the cow Com-moo-nity.

Today I look less preggers than yesterday becoz I just let go enough methane to expand the hole in the ozone layer that much more. It is baffling how much gas is stored in one pregnant woman.

I do feel much better after my
bloatedness went with the wind. I wonder how cows handle it. Oh yes... By letting go.

Oh well, gonna go chew on The Word and breakfast to feed my inner man, the baby & me. ;)

JOYFUL
SUNDAY!
:D

026 Korkor bear's hope for the baby

Kae laid hands on my baby bump and spoke over his sibling- "Baby, be a good baby, toddler, child, pre-teen, teen, adult and grandparent, ok? Amen." ( Talk about covering all bases. ROFLMAO!!)


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